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desperate, but not hopeless
The ironic thing is, when my parents divorced? I was relieved.
24 hours later (or close to), and I am still kind of broken inside. I used to joke to myself that if Jon ever left the band, I'd be done with them. But then, I'd think, "LOL, what are the chances of THAT happening?" Because, unlike a lot of people, I didn't really see this coming. Maybe I did subconsciously, maybe I just didn't want to poke at the cracks too hard. I certainly believed that they would all get back in the studio, start recording a third album, and then go on tour with Blink. All the weirdness and disconnectedness that seemed to be existing between them would work itself out once they started making music again--together. I believed this, a lot. But![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rossetti (who made a great post here about all this) pointed out that, more than likely, this decision was made in South Africa, or some time just before or after. They seemed happy playing there, and they sounded amazing; I guess if they were going to make a choice as to whether to part ways for different musical endeavors, it would make sense to do it when they're happy and feel good about themselves as friends and musicians. Jon made a tweet a few days ago that said, When I get back to capetown. He might have been quoting a song that I don't know, but even so, for me it's telling. ALL of Jon's tweets for the past several weeks have been telling, now that I look back on them, from All this happened, more or less, to i guess i'm not a follower. Not to mention the tweet from June 27th that simply states: Differences. And here themoononastick and I were joking that Jon was stoned and twittering about Marley's fur vs. Dylan's.
Obviously the signs were there. They got back from South Africa, and soon there was Brendon and Spencer only at tour premieres, and Ryan and Jon only recording songs with Eric (which, since the announcement, Ryan's name has now been added to the member list on the Hillside Sessions' MySpace). There were dinner dates with Pete with Brendon and Spencer only, while Ryan went to New York to hang out with Alex Greenwald. They more or less made the agreement to part ways a while ago; it was just a matter of when and where they'd make it official. And the more I think about it, the more I think it was very amicable, but also really hard on them, especially Jon. I learned by going where I have to go - that says a lot about all of this, yeah?
I have never thought of a band in terms of the group before Panic. For me, Fall Out Boy is Patrick first and foremost, then Pete. My Chem is Gerard, Cobra is Gabe. But Panic has always, and will always, be BrendonRyanSpencer&Jon. They're a cohesive unit in my head, and that's the reason I loved them, faults and all. Brendon and Ryan were the attention whores, while Spencer and Jon kept the peace. They completed each other; fragmented parts that made a whole. But maybe in the long, drawn-out, frustrating process that was the writing of Pretty. Odd., they not only got closer, but also began to figure out who they really were as artists and musicians. It's not really a secret that Ryan and Brendon duked it out a lot over the songs, and yeah, Brendon probably did sacrifice a lot of himself artistically to make the album what it was. But I refuse to believe the kid I saw bounding around the stage on HCT was unhappy with his band. He may have been unhappy with the music, but these guys were his friends, his family--if that weren't true, they would've left each other long before this. But obviously we've heard how much Brendon's progressed musically, and that might also translate into being more confident in himself and his songwriting abilities. He's to a place now where he wasn't back in late 2007. I would never have thought Ryan Ross would give up his band, the one thing that seemed to have kept him relatively sane through the worst years of his life. But maybe he realized that he wasn't meant for this band anymore; I don't know, for me? In many ways, I see Ryan giving up Panic to Brendon (and Spencer, for that matter) as being a painfully mature move. Don't for a second believe he did this off the cuff--no one can give up something they've worked so hard on for years easily, regardless of whatever shit is going on in their life. You can give me the argument that Ryan purposely sabotages everything good in his life because he's a head case, but my response to that is this: his band is not his relationships. In many ways (at least, in my head), I think music means more to him than romantic relationships. Hate on Ryan all you want, but at least give this band and its founding member the courtesy and respect to believe that he didn't make this decision lightly.
I've been going through the stages of grief, as it were, although I keep relapsing. Hearing Brendon sing me Bob Marley this morning helped a lot, as did Ryan finally tweeting that he's notdone dead yet. Zack seems positive and upbeat about the entire thing, like he wants to keep his boys happy. I'm curious to see legally how all this pans out; did Pete just let Ryan and Jon out of their contracts because they asked nicely? Will Spencer and Brendon keep the band's name indefinitely, or will it change as they continue to decide which direction they're taking? I won't lie, I'm very dubious about this return to the exclamation point and the "natural progression" from Fever. I loved Fever, and I loved PO, both pretty much equally, but I also don't necessarily think going "backwards" is a smart move for them, artistically. If it's a marketing ploy? Well...Brendon's too good for that, and that would make me really sad. As for Ryan and Jon, I'm 90% certain that they're going to make Hillside Sessions a legit band, maybe even adding Alex as the fourth member, since he's apparently stated that he's writing music for Ryan. I'm excited for that, because I love the two songs I've heard from them, and I think Ryan and Jon really like working with Eric a lot. All in all, I am accepting that this was a good move for all involved, and they're going to be happier for it, and the music might even better than it would have if they'd stayed together and plodded along, trying to make things work. I'll realize this more and more and as time goes on. As lyo so eloquently put it, they saved their friendship by sacrificing their band. This is what I choose to believe in. We may never get the whole story (I mean, how long did it take the entire Brent story to get out?), but maybe we don't need it. Maybe it's been right in front of us all along.
I don't know what this means for me in terms of the fandom. My OTP--BOTH of them--have been split. I love all the pairings, but Brendon/Spencer has regrettably been my least favorite, and I've always had this weird love/hate relationship with Jon/Ryan. I can't figure out where this leaves someone like me in the scheme of things. Will anyone even care anymore about Jon/Spencer? Or Jon/Brendon? Or GSF (how is GSF still...GSF when the group isn't a group? :() I have ideas and stories still floating around, and I want to finish the sequel to the dragonrider AU, but I don't know if I have the heart to anymore. I'm glad there's a faction of the fandom that's happy their pairings are still functioning and together, but at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever get "canon" support for mine ever again. I really don't want to live in a world where Jon and Brendon aren't friends, or where Spencer and Jon aren't married stoners, or where Ryan and Spencer don't randomly challenge each other to thumb wars... But the people and friendships and experiences I've had in this fandom are by far the best and more important to me than anything. I have made friendships in this fandom that I hope will last for many, many years to come, regardless of whether or not Panic at the Disco is involved. I love the people that make this fandom so fantastic and cracked out and talented and amazing, and I guess that's the part I can't give up. Regardless of whether or not I write fic anymore, I still know I have a group of girls who are funny, sweet, and support me no matter what. If I take anything away from this fandom, it's knowing that four boys brought people into my life I'd never have known existed otherwise.
So we'll see. That's all I can really do. I'll probably still post Jon's ridiculous face, if he continues to let me do so. I'll probably still be happy over new music and proud of the fact that Jon's still in a band and getting to do what makes him happy--I hope he IS happy, truly happy, even if he seems sad now. Maybe we all just need time for things to shake out and settle, and eventually we'll see that our boys aren't growing apart, they're growing up. And that's got to count for something.
Surprisingly, I feel kind of a lot better now. ♥
24 hours later (or close to), and I am still kind of broken inside. I used to joke to myself that if Jon ever left the band, I'd be done with them. But then, I'd think, "LOL, what are the chances of THAT happening?" Because, unlike a lot of people, I didn't really see this coming. Maybe I did subconsciously, maybe I just didn't want to poke at the cracks too hard. I certainly believed that they would all get back in the studio, start recording a third album, and then go on tour with Blink. All the weirdness and disconnectedness that seemed to be existing between them would work itself out once they started making music again--together. I believed this, a lot. But
rossetti (who made a great post here about all this) pointed out that, more than likely, this decision was made in South Africa, or some time just before or after. They seemed happy playing there, and they sounded amazing; I guess if they were going to make a choice as to whether to part ways for different musical endeavors, it would make sense to do it when they're happy and feel good about themselves as friends and musicians. Jon made a tweet a few days ago that said, When I get back to capetown. He might have been quoting a song that I don't know, but even so, for me it's telling. ALL of Jon's tweets for the past several weeks have been telling, now that I look back on them, from All this happened, more or less, to i guess i'm not a follower. Not to mention the tweet from June 27th that simply states: Differences. And here themoononastick and I were joking that Jon was stoned and twittering about Marley's fur vs. Dylan's.Obviously the signs were there. They got back from South Africa, and soon there was Brendon and Spencer only at tour premieres, and Ryan and Jon only recording songs with Eric (which, since the announcement, Ryan's name has now been added to the member list on the Hillside Sessions' MySpace). There were dinner dates with Pete with Brendon and Spencer only, while Ryan went to New York to hang out with Alex Greenwald. They more or less made the agreement to part ways a while ago; it was just a matter of when and where they'd make it official. And the more I think about it, the more I think it was very amicable, but also really hard on them, especially Jon. I learned by going where I have to go - that says a lot about all of this, yeah?
I have never thought of a band in terms of the group before Panic. For me, Fall Out Boy is Patrick first and foremost, then Pete. My Chem is Gerard, Cobra is Gabe. But Panic has always, and will always, be BrendonRyanSpencer&Jon. They're a cohesive unit in my head, and that's the reason I loved them, faults and all. Brendon and Ryan were the attention whores, while Spencer and Jon kept the peace. They completed each other; fragmented parts that made a whole. But maybe in the long, drawn-out, frustrating process that was the writing of Pretty. Odd., they not only got closer, but also began to figure out who they really were as artists and musicians. It's not really a secret that Ryan and Brendon duked it out a lot over the songs, and yeah, Brendon probably did sacrifice a lot of himself artistically to make the album what it was. But I refuse to believe the kid I saw bounding around the stage on HCT was unhappy with his band. He may have been unhappy with the music, but these guys were his friends, his family--if that weren't true, they would've left each other long before this. But obviously we've heard how much Brendon's progressed musically, and that might also translate into being more confident in himself and his songwriting abilities. He's to a place now where he wasn't back in late 2007. I would never have thought Ryan Ross would give up his band, the one thing that seemed to have kept him relatively sane through the worst years of his life. But maybe he realized that he wasn't meant for this band anymore; I don't know, for me? In many ways, I see Ryan giving up Panic to Brendon (and Spencer, for that matter) as being a painfully mature move. Don't for a second believe he did this off the cuff--no one can give up something they've worked so hard on for years easily, regardless of whatever shit is going on in their life. You can give me the argument that Ryan purposely sabotages everything good in his life because he's a head case, but my response to that is this: his band is not his relationships. In many ways (at least, in my head), I think music means more to him than romantic relationships. Hate on Ryan all you want, but at least give this band and its founding member the courtesy and respect to believe that he didn't make this decision lightly.
I've been going through the stages of grief, as it were, although I keep relapsing. Hearing Brendon sing me Bob Marley this morning helped a lot, as did Ryan finally tweeting that he's not
lyo so eloquently put it, they saved their friendship by sacrificing their band. This is what I choose to believe in. We may never get the whole story (I mean, how long did it take the entire Brent story to get out?), but maybe we don't need it. Maybe it's been right in front of us all along.I don't know what this means for me in terms of the fandom. My OTP--BOTH of them--have been split. I love all the pairings, but Brendon/Spencer has regrettably been my least favorite, and I've always had this weird love/hate relationship with Jon/Ryan. I can't figure out where this leaves someone like me in the scheme of things. Will anyone even care anymore about Jon/Spencer? Or Jon/Brendon? Or GSF (how is GSF still...GSF when the group isn't a group? :() I have ideas and stories still floating around, and I want to finish the sequel to the dragonrider AU, but I don't know if I have the heart to anymore. I'm glad there's a faction of the fandom that's happy their pairings are still functioning and together, but at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever get "canon" support for mine ever again. I really don't want to live in a world where Jon and Brendon aren't friends, or where Spencer and Jon aren't married stoners, or where Ryan and Spencer don't randomly challenge each other to thumb wars... But the people and friendships and experiences I've had in this fandom are by far the best and more important to me than anything. I have made friendships in this fandom that I hope will last for many, many years to come, regardless of whether or not Panic at the Disco is involved. I love the people that make this fandom so fantastic and cracked out and talented and amazing, and I guess that's the part I can't give up. Regardless of whether or not I write fic anymore, I still know I have a group of girls who are funny, sweet, and support me no matter what. If I take anything away from this fandom, it's knowing that four boys brought people into my life I'd never have known existed otherwise.
So we'll see. That's all I can really do. I'll probably still post Jon's ridiculous face, if he continues to let me do so. I'll probably still be happy over new music and proud of the fact that Jon's still in a band and getting to do what makes him happy--I hope he IS happy, truly happy, even if he seems sad now. Maybe we all just need time for things to shake out and settle, and eventually we'll see that our boys aren't growing apart, they're growing up. And that's got to count for something.
Surprisingly, I feel kind of a lot better now. ♥
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